Cuil Theory
by Queen of Jinxing
Summary: "My head tastes sideways as space-time is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of it's natural life."


"Hello, Fredka!" Someone greeted to America's right. Someone with a thick accent. A thick, stupid accent. A thick, stupid, Russian accent. A thick, stupid, Russian accent with a creepy child-like voice.

Alfred almost dropped his burger.

"Usually i wouldn't touch your palpable diabetes," at this, the Russian gestured to the pile of burgers in front of him, creepy smile never leaving his face. "But, since I am very hungry and I am sure you will be upset, I will make an exception to my rule, da?"

The American shifted in his seat, eye twitching as his boss's words played in his head from earlier that very morning.

_"Yo, yo! What up, Boss Man?" he'd yelled excitedly into his new iPhone, only to receive a sigh in return._

_"Alfred, 6:00 is entirely too early for your yelling." The man informed him, making the blonde pout. Just when he opened his mouth to reply, the president cut him off. "I know things between you and the rest of the world are a bit strained right now,"_

_Strained? More like ready-to-nuke-if-he-mentioned-one-more-superhero._

_"But, I really need you to try to strengthen our bonds, things would be so much easier... Plus, I could easily put every McDonalds on a month-long holiday..."_

_Alfred let out a horrified gasp. "You wouldn't dare!"_

_"...I don't know, you know the Boss Lady hates those fast food joints..."_

_Oh sweet, merciful, holy Jesus no!_

_"I'll see what I can do..."_

_"That's all I ask."_

So now, thanks to that stupid commie, America was faced with a problem. Give Ivan a burger, or risk the rejection, which would be turned into an argument, igniting fights all around the room. At this moment, Greece had fallen asleep in the middle of his presentation, leaving many staring at them because they knew it would be impossible to wake the nation.

On the other hand, if the meeting didn't go well (which it never did) and he was blamed (and he always was), then Mr. Prez was going to give the First Lady permission to end his life. That meant that this measly pile of burgers was probably going to be his last for a month or more.

The horror!

The drama!

The dilemma!

"Uh..." he had to think! How was he going to protect his babies and still keep what little chance he had at keeping the Lady at bay? "Hold on! You're like, obsessed with my science department, right?"

Russia took a moment to ponder. "Da, though it is only a healthy intr-"

"Right! So how 'bout I tell ya 'bout the Cuil Theory?" The (borderline threatening)conversations around the room stopped immediately and the occupants stared at him in confusion and shock. America, one of the most paranoid countries around, was telling about a theory? That his science department created?

The giant Russian, too, seemed a mix of shocked, confused, and delighted- though he has no idea what a theory had to do with him asking for a heart attack in a bun.

"Da!" he giggled, pulling out a chair (pushing Japan out one) and looking to the blond expectantly.

"Alright!" crisis averted!

"Well, let's make the Cuil a unit of measurement.

One Cuil equals one level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.

For example: you ask me for a hamburger." he held up his own hamburger that he was just about to violently devour before the Ruski showed his disgusting mug.

Said Ruski nodded enthusiastically to show he was listening- not that Alfred actually cared.

"One Culi: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

Two Culis: if you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

Three Culis: you awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia."

The other nations looked on shocked, both from the pure absurdity and the fact that America knew such big words.

"Four Culis: Why are we speaking German?"

They weren't.

"A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe."

The American's voice was falling from it's usual loud volume and high pitch to a hypnotizing tone and oh... Oh God- they could see it!

"Five Culis: you ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips to take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger. You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger."

Are they crying? They are.

"You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as you fall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you."

All together, the eavesdropping nations wince with their eyes screwed shut.

"You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me,"

This one brought a happy smile to Russia's face.

"I do not make a sound."

The smile faded to a disappointed pout.

"I give you a hamburger.

Six Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons."

The creepy smile is once again in place.

"Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot.

Matthew wrinkles up his nose... if they were twins, did that mean that he'd become an ocelot?

A little ways away, Francis was wearing a similar expression.

"You disapprove."

Damn straight he did!

"A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the Earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in phoenix ceases to exist."

The only Englishman in the room frowned at the loss. Really, America can't afford to loose any libraries.

"You stumble under the weight of everythingness. Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane."

"Gross!" Romano whisper-yelled, a look of disgust on his face. "What kind of fucked up-"

"Shh, Lovi!" Spain said in the annoyingly oblivious voice of his.

The irate Italian smacked him hard on the side of his head and took great pleasure in the quiet 'ow', yet the joy was short lived as the Spaniard didn't move away.

"You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountainhead of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides with a small dog."

"Ve..." Italy voiced sadly, adding in a quiet sniffle. Poor puppy!

"My head tastes sideways as space-time is reestablished, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of it's natural life."

"Ve!" The happier of the Italian brothers cheered softly, gripping Germany's arm and bouncing slightly.

"You die in a freak accident moments later, and your soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove."

The personification of the long-gone Prussia frowned. How dare they make his awesome ghost work at a library? No thank you!... Well, unless it has that hot librarian form 1454... Maybe that could be a little awesome...

"Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands."

The room was silent, most of it's occupants looking slightly green and only growing worse as they stared at his pile of burgers and the still uneaten one in his hand. Those that didn't look as if they were going to hurl any second looked a mixture of dazed, confused, and shocked (due to the surprisingly impressive vocabulary the blonde had kept hidden away).

The storyteller of the evening was looking past the Russian (with dazed eyes and a creepy smile) to a clock as he tried to recall how to read it.

The what did the big hand do?... he's drawing a blank. It was either 3:30 or 6:15...

Hopefully it was the latter...oh well, he's going for it.

"Woah, guys look at the time! Ya know what they say!" He exclaimed as he stood up, making many wince and a few gag as he gathered up his leftovers and shoved the unwrapped on into his mouth. "Meeting over, see you next month! Mattie's place, huh? Righto, see ya then!"

He speed walked from the room with a grin on his tanned face and a room full of silent countries behind him. When the oak doors slammed shut, he cheered.

Wow, it was amazing what a little bullshitting can do! Saving his meal from Commie hands and his favorite restaurant chain from Mrs. Boss Lady!

'Ha, Culi Theory my ass!' he thought triumphantly. Did they really think he'd tell them anything his science department (home of the best scientists in the goddamn world!) were working on?

Really, he's the world's idiot?

A/N:

1) I don't own Hetalia.

2) I'm going to admit to knowing nothing about the Cuil Theory, I'm just going on a video i saw on Youtube (Cuil Theory by Roy Kelly). For the sake of the story, the Cuil Theory isn't real in the Hetalia world.


End file.
